BEING WELL

Get the Trains Running on Time

From Mussolini to Melbourne, the logistics of public transport customer service in real time.

GETTING THE TRAINS RUNNING ON TIME

After five minutes of research and development, the NRGDP Company has developed a foolproof plan to fix the problem of getting the trains, in Melbourne, “Running on Time.” At minimal cost to public transport, $17.4 billion, and an in-depth think tank, $12 billion, the trains are going to run on time, every time.

Starting at Flinders Street Station, instead of every train being late or not coming at all, announcements will be made that, “A train will be coming through platforms one to twelve sometime. We don’t know when but sometime in the next couple of days …we think!” Thus, clearing up any dispute and customer dissatisfaction due to inflated expectations and thus, a disappointment. The jubilation on the customers faces will be self-evident because a train came at all, rather than the old model where regular disappointment takes place because they’re consistently late.

Additional announcements will be made, “The train will be going somewhere, we don’t know where but it will!” Thus promoting the security in the knowledge that you are going somewhere instead of thinking you might be going nowhere, remaining at the platform for days. This will be quantified by an announcement stating, “Sometime!” Just in case there is any confusion about departure times.

The value-adding to the tourist industry, a projected rubbery figure of a 999,999% increase in single trip journeys. Then rolling out the model to all suburban stations. Good news Melbourne, NRGDP is getting the trains running on time, every time!

FUTURE PROJECTS PROPOSED

THE GAP

The Graphitti Action Plan (GAP), costing $16 billion. Graffiti is a public menace that costs the public transport system millions of dollars each year. NRGDP have researched and developed, employing painstaking guesswork with national and international intellectuals, a plan. A plan that took two minutes to make will get rid of the graffiti problem forever.

Instead of graffiti prevention, we are proposing a graffiti inclusion system. Issuing all passengers with cans of spray paint, so rather than complaining about graffiti, they can become a part of the solution and join the mob in expressing themselves through graffiti. Instead of banning graffiti, we’ll promote graffiti by changing the laws. Laws that are already not effectively policeable and also exclude the elderly and business communities. We’ll change the notion of graffiti to art and then sell decommissioned trains to art galleries and private collectors all over the world, effectively recycling at a profit.

THE SPP

Suicide Prevention Program (SPP), at no cost to the public transport system, a gift, NRGDP have researched and developed a diabolical plan to end the phenomena of ‘Jumpers’ – people who jump in front of trains. NRGDP, giving back to the community for the mere cost of $34 billion.

Slowing down all trains to 1km an hour, the train driver will spot the Jumper a kilometre away, thus stopping the train altogether, before impact. The train driver gets out, sits with and counsels the would-be suicide victim, eventually directing them to appropriate help and safety. The train will be driven by a psychiatrist, so they are qualified to deal with the situation.

No more traumatised train drivers and no more disgruntled passengers wondering why the train is going nowhere when they’re are already assured they are going somewhere, we’re just arguing how fast. As there will be no delays to service because there is no expectation to arrival times, there is no disappointment in product quality. Because it was pre-established that customers would be going who knows where anyway, why go nowhere fast? Community/Customer/Employee satisfaction and safety assured.

THE BYKI

BYKI cards, replacing the old MYKI cards, a system that was never going to work. BYKI cards designed to create customer loyalty, incase another competition train line emerges. Offering Black, Platinum, Gold, Silver, Economy and Pensioner BYKI cards. No difference in service but the value-adding to the customer by the perception of status and inherent self-esteem. Since the new system will incorporate a fee for service principle, the new service’s improvements in efficiencies and quality of customer satisfaction will be mind-blowing. This is priceless!

For the new BYKI system, that is exactly what we are going to charge the commuters, nothing, priceless! That’s right commuters, free public transport all day every day 24/7. Sheer genius by NRGDP and at the low low price to the public transport system of $37 billion, who is complaining. Where do I sign!

………………………………………………………………………………………

NRGDP, we’ve got what it takes. Going nowhere faster than anybody else. Going forwards faster than going backwards. More reliably, less cost and more customer satisfaction …and what do you expect to pay for this total package, deal of a lifetime? Only the paltry sum of a mere reduced price of $116.4 billion, less for cash. I’ll be surprised if the powers to be don’t take two …and the Japanese think they have a public transport system? Ha, I’m laughing!

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