Banker’s Pie is an age-old recipe that has been around for 1,000s of years.
While the basic recipe hasn’t changed much, the technology and quantities of ingredients to bake it has. After all, who grows their own vegetables and kills their own meat these days? Not many people are that time rich and if you are then I take my hat off to you for being self-sufficient.
Banker’s Pie is a wholesome earthy dish that is meaty, in its truest form, served cold as well as raw. It might not sound so good but it needs to be sampled first to be appreciated. How could you know of the delights that Banker’s Pie offers without tasting it.
I know my self that some of the world’s richest and most powerful people adore Banker’s Pie for its simplicity and effectiveness in getting the job of feeding the family done.
1 Reem of Plain White Paper, A4
1 Ball Point or Fountain Pen
4 – 7 Multi Billionaires – Depending on Your Resources
3 – 10 Corrupt Politicians – The Higher up the Better
Several Hired Goons – To Taste
1 Expendable CEO – Preferably a Non-Seeing Person
A Good Deal of Front
A Public that doesn’t Understand the Fundamentals of Economics
First, get the ear and confidence of your Billionaires. You can do this by going to the right schools, hobnobbing with the right people, by virtue of your genius and sleeping your way to the top. I know …I did.
As for Politicians, make sure they’re corrupt Politicians as the ordinary sort just won’t do!
The best way to tell the difference between a corrupt Politician and an ordinary Politician is to get drunk with them and get them to tell you their likes and dislikes as well as their secrets. For the one’s that are harder to discern, offer them a bribe of funding to their Party or personal cash, gifts in kind or a combination of these. In exchange, you need to influence a decision. It really doesn’t matter what decision or the outcome so long as you can hold it against them for the term of their natural career.
Now quietly get out your pen and paper and begin to write ‘Promissory Notes’ – ‘Legal Tender’ supported by other Promissory Notes from your Billionaire friends (an IOU effectively). This will give you some credibility. If you like, you can host a theme party where you have a competition to see who can write the most ridiculous promissory note. The highest quantity of promissory notes. The highest amount. Include a little prize, just to make it interesting. As a prize, I like Tutankhamun’s personal pen holder, which is just an empty can of baked beans, spray-painted turquoise, from Aldi’s – you don’t want to overspend on something like this, they may get suspicious!
Once the risk is evenly distributed seek out the Politicians and spruik the importance of fair competition in Industry and Commerce. Then spruik the merits of having another Bank in the interest of fair competition in Industry and Commerce. Then spruik that who knows more about Banking than yourself.
To make it easier, individually name the Bank, e.g., F.C.B.A., Fluffy Cuddly Bank of Australia.
Once the Banker’s Pie mix thickens quickly move on to the next step.
Throw in the Expendable CEO and beat thoroughly, when something goes wrong at this stage the Expendable CEO is clearly at fault. Get another Expendable CEO and repeat until this happens again. When it happens again repeat and so on and so on…
When the Expendable CEO completely fails, this is the time to call in the ‘Hired Goons’, just to chop things up a little!
By this time you should know where all your Politician’s Associates live and where their children go to school. You need to relax the Banking Mix and harvest from a Public that doesn’t understand the fundamentals of economics.
Your Expendable CEO and Politician friends might attract the eye of the Media, but don’t worry, your Billionaire friends probably own the Media and the Government owns the Public Broadcasters, so you’re fine! Apply a lavish slathering of ‘Front’ and allow curing until the next big boom in the economic cycle. Garnish with Sour Grapes or Caviar, depending on your timing.
Banker’s Pie Ladies, just get your Hubbies to dish one up! No one will suspect he didn’t make it if you provide supporting documentation that he has signed and certificates of authenticity. Just get the kids to produce them on certificate paper from Office Works, they are the cheapest …after all money doesn’t grow on trees!
HEALTH & SAFETY WARNING
Should the Banker’s Pie go ‘bad’ you have two options and one plan B:
If the Federal Police have already turned up you can offer them a slice of the Pie.
If things are really bad and the Federal Police want to stay awhile, do the right thing and offer them a cup of tea. Say, “I’ll be back in a minute, I’m just going down the street for some milk. Full Cream, Low Fat or Soy? …anyone for Donuts?” Works every time, Hubby can sort it out!
enact Plan B
Keep a Lehrer Jet tanked and ready with enough provisions to make it to your undisclosed island in the Caribbean…